“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him.”—Psalm 42:5,11, NIV
This silent night was not golden, not the beautiful, hushed version of a Christmas carol. This was a numbing, anxiety-filled silence where God seemed far away or nonexistent—when you’re not sure what you believe or what will happen to the rest of your life.
It is like being drawn into a dark hole, with no sun, no daylight.
Have you experienced this? I have.
I’m a pastor with faith, knowledge, and experience in walking with God. I teach the Bible, one of the great joys of my life. But suddenly I faced what has been described as “the dark night of the soul.”1 I needed answers.
What is God doing in the silence?
What am I supposed to do?
How do I survive this?
I clung to what was familiar and concrete—God’s Word. I could hold a Bible in my arms and embrace it, comforted by years of learning and revelation.
During my “silent night” the Lord did some rearranging in my life. I was exhausted. I had neglected my physical, mental, and spiritual health. Depression crept in. God seemed very silent and far away.
A spiritual battle was wearing me down, but I was too tired to recognize it. If you asked me how I was, I probably said, “Pretty good. God is working. I’m OK.”
Then I read Isaiah 6:5 and cried with the prophet, “Woe is me, for I am undone! … for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts.”
It was like walking out of a dark theater in the middle of the day and being blinded by light. I began to see myself honestly and to repent fervently. My selfishness, my pride, my fears, and anxiety—all were revealed. Yes, I was undone.
Coming out of the dark is not easy. Adjusting to the blinding light was even harder. I had to learn that God was working behind the scenes of my life. His silence is not His absence.
I sought counsel, I rested, and spent time with family. I asked for help. We are not meant to endure alone. God uses the people around us to love us, bathe us in prayer, and draw us back into the light. I learned to be more honest and vulnerable. It was freeing.
I’m a shepherd over a flock of people I love. Some say as the shepherd goes, so go the sheep. My heart aches for my brothers and sisters crushed by depression and hopelessness.
Let me assure you. God is working, He loves you, and He wants you to seek and find the help you need.
During the holidays—and always— I pray that you know you are not alone. Reach out, ask for prayer, seek counsel, get help, and know that the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you. He is working, especially in the silence.
May God richly bless you and comfort you.
1. While imprisoned in a tiny prison cell sixteenth-century Spanish mystic, St. John of the Cross, composed poems titled The Dark Night of the Soul.
